I woke up this morning and thought about my relationship with toilet paper throughout my life.
In the potty training years, we learn that girls must use toilet paper always.
As an older child, you become aware that boys don't always have to....jealousy occurs.
Around 9 or 10, you really start establishing habits. 1 square, 2 squares? I prefer 4 squares folded over to a 1 square dimension.
At 12, you are given the talk. You start to look at the toilet paper to see if she has come. The elusive first period. You check all of the time, because when she comes...you are woman.
By 16, you are a master at looking to see if she comes. You don't want to be caught off guard. How embarrasing if she arrives when you least expect it!
By 18, many are becoming more "active". You start wondering what the heck that strange discharge is. Is it yeast? Did I get something from that guy? Or do I just have funkiness??
When you become old enough to start buying your own toilet paper, you start having preferences. Extra soft, soft, a little rough, sandpaper. This brand leaves lint. That brand has funky patterns. This brand is cheap enough to fit my budget!
Your 20s, maybe you get married, maybe you have a long standing relationship....Not ready to have a baby, worried that you might be pregnant. Is she coming? I hope she is coming? She isn't here? Oh no, she's late!!! Never mind. False alarm. Whew!
You are finally ready to have babies. You wait for her NOT to come. You test, you wipe, you test, you wipe. Am I pregnant already? No...she comes.
There's more..you are really on the conception bandwagon. You learn there are things you are looking for during your cycle. Is it wet? Is it clear? Is it sticky? Is it stretchy? How much does it stretch? Am I ovulating or not? ARGHHHH!!!!!!
Then one day you are postive....No worries right? NOT!!! You are obsessively wiping...Am I bleeding? Am I bleeding? Am I bleeding? There is blood? Am I miscarrying? Am I still pregnant?
Then you get past your 1st trimester....You feel a little more safe. Now what the heck is that funky discharge? Is that normal?!?!?!
As you reach your 3rd trimester....It starts getting difficult. You can no longer look down. You bring your neatly folded tissue paper up to your nose past your bulging stomach. Is that my water breaking or is that just pee? Is that what they call bloody show?
After baby is born...you wait for the bleeding to stop. Am I finally done? Nothing there...oh wait...still bleeding....sick of pads!!!!!
Then you wait for her to come again.....
Will it ever end this love/hate affair with toilet paper? Will we ever be able to break our bondage? Will we ever not have to look at that darn toilet paper??????
Oh by the way, did you remember to wipe from front to back!!!