I've tried really hard to get away from posting grief posts ad nauseam on this blog.
But on days like today? It's hard to avoid.
Jamie Lynn would be five today. I picture a tiny blonde girl, the image of her brothers, with flashing eyes of mischief and a devil may care attitude like her mother. She would be itching to be going to kindergarten this year, but we would be explaining that the rules state she would have to wait one more year. I imagine there also would be fear as parents. We would be walking that fine line of helping her too much with her dwarfism and also trying to give her independence.
But, alas, she is not here.
How do you celebrate a birth and death on the same day? We are still working that out as a family. It was easy the first few years. Balloon and butterfly releases. Cupcakes.
The boys were younger and it seemed to fit. Now it seems odd. Its hard to explain. It is also a struggle because Button doesn't understand. "Who is this sister I never met, but see pictures. This Jam-ey everyone says is family. Why were my big brothers mad when I took her picture off the sofa table because she isn't my family?" Who can really blame him?
My goal this year was to re-channel our "celebration". If the boys asked to do something? I will certainly do so. If not.....no pressure. However, I still need something for me. A few months ago, I decided that I loved this cupcake block I made for a bee quilt so much that I wanted to make one for myself. A new project dawned on that day in my mind. A Jamie quilt. It's been established that quilting had been a major part of my therapy the last five years. It just makes sense that I should do so on her birthday. My plan is to make one special block on October 14th for a while. This year will be the cupcake block.
Throughout the rest of year, I will make the four other birthday blocks. I will not be stressed about it. I will not make myself miserable. I'm not sure when I will stop and call the quilt done.
I will simply let it just be and have some quiet time with my girl in my studio.