Angel of God, My Guardian Dear
to whom God's love commits me here.
Ever this day be at my side
to light, and guard and rule and guide.
So I am going to lay it all out tonight. Hope you are ready for it!!!
Last night, I was ANGRY.
I know that I am angry more and more every day because Jamie isn't here and James is. It isn't that I don't love him....I SOOOO do. But dammit, why couldn't I just have both of them.
I know I am angry because Dr. G said that my uterus was VERY thin. Emphasis on VERY. I wasn't "done" having babies. Looks like the choice might be taken out of my hands.
I am angry because I wanted things to be perfect when James was born. I wanted to just spend time with James ALL alone. I wanted to "room in" with him. He was one week and five days old when I finally had him all to myself. It should have been the first night he was born. Instead, I didn't even get to hold him until he was already one day old. And even then, it was for the shortest bit of time.
I was VERY angry at anyone and all on his third day in the NICU. I was terrified that I was going to leave the hospital without a baby in my arms. I wanted the boys to see him while I was in the hospital, not the first day I came home.
I am angry because I wanted to cry during those quiet times at night at the hospital. I still haven't. The sob is just balled up in my throat. Waiting.....
God decided to nudge me. Last night, after big brothers were tucked in and Daddy went to bed, I was alone. Alone with James. As he fell asleep in my arms, I realized that he was giggling in his sleep. He was smiling. I know, I know...babies don't smile, but he WAS! He also has this amazing ability to play with his fingers. We noticed it the very first night we saw him. His hands extend out as if they are "petting" someone. He touches us with the tips of his fingers instead of having the normal clenched newborn fists. He loves to pull his blanket over his head. He will fuss until his hands and arms are released from the confines of the swaddling blanket. It looks like he is waving his arms and playing games with someone in his dreams.
Then it hit me. Is he playing with his sister? Is she watching over him?
When I went into the OR, I didn't have any jewelry on except for the heart shaped charm my dear friends gave me. It has an angel cradling a baby in her arms. It has Jamie Lynn's name engraved on the back. It was blessed by Fr. Drew. The nurse made me take it off, so I handed it to Aaron. After they prepped me in the OR and he came in to sit with me, I felt something in my hand. My darling husband placed that necklace in my hand. And we prayed. After the surger, I wore it the whole time I was in the hospital. And one of our favorite photos is this one:
This photo was taken the very first time I got to hold him. It was a very gratifying feeling to hold him right on my chest. He became less fussy, opened his eyes, and his breathing slowed down to a normal rate. My anxiety flittered away. It felt so good to hold him.
Can you see the necklace?
I am more and more convinced that she is looking out for him. As we play out the scenario that led to his platelet transfusion, I realize how perilous his situation would have been if he had not had trouble breathing in the OR. He would not have been whisked to the NICU. He would not have had his blood tested. We would not have known that his platelets were so dangerously low. I have to now believe that all of it happened for a reason.
I think he officially has his very own Guardian Angel.
And that balled up sob....tears of gratefulness flowed while I held my most precious boy in the wee hours of the night. The ball is much smaller today.
But I am still waiting........