Angel of God

Angel of God, My Guardian Dear

to whom God's love commits me here.

Ever this day be at my side

to light, and guard and rule and guide.

Amen.

So I am going to lay it all out tonight.  Hope you are ready for it!!!

Last night, I was ANGRY.

I know that I am angry more and more every day because Jamie isn't here and James is.  It isn't that I don't love him....I SOOOO do.  But dammit, why couldn't I just have both of them.

I know I am angry because Dr. G said that my uterus was VERY thin.  Emphasis on VERY.  I wasn't "done" having babies.  Looks like the choice might be taken out of my hands.

I am angry because I wanted things to be perfect when James was born.  I wanted to just spend time with James ALL alone. I wanted to "room in" with him. He was one week and five days old when I finally had him all to myself.  It should have been the first night he was born.  Instead, I didn't even get to hold him until he was already one day old.  And even then, it was for the shortest bit of time.

 I was VERY angry at anyone and all on his third day in the NICU.  I was terrified that I was going to leave the hospital without a baby in my arms. I wanted the boys to see him while I was in the hospital, not the first day I came home. 

I am angry because I wanted to cry during those quiet times at night at the hospital.  I still haven't.  The sob is just balled up in my throat.  Waiting.....


BUT.......

God decided to nudge me.  Last night, after big brothers were tucked in and Daddy went to bed, I was alone.  Alone with James.  As he fell asleep in my arms, I realized that he was giggling in his sleep.   He was smiling.  I know, I know...babies don't smile, but he WAS!  He also has this amazing ability to play with his fingers.  We noticed it the very first night we saw him.   His hands extend out as if they are "petting" someone.  He touches us with the tips of his fingers instead of having the normal clenched newborn fists.  He loves to pull his blanket over his head.  He will fuss until his hands and arms are released from the confines of the swaddling blanket.   It looks like he is waving his arms and playing games with someone in his dreams.

Then it hit me.   Is he playing with his sister?  Is she watching over him?

When I went into the OR, I didn't have any jewelry on except for the heart shaped charm my dear friends gave me.  It has an angel cradling a baby in her arms.  It has Jamie Lynn's name engraved on the back.  It was blessed by Fr. Drew.  The nurse made me take it off, so I handed it to Aaron.  After they prepped me in the OR and he came in to sit with me, I felt something in my hand.  My darling husband placed that necklace in my hand.  And we prayed.  After the surger, I wore it the whole time I was in the hospital. And one of our favorite photos is this one: 

This photo was taken the very first time I got to hold him.  It was a very gratifying feeling to hold him right on my chest.  He became less fussy, opened his eyes, and his breathing slowed down to a normal rate.  My anxiety flittered away.  It felt so good to hold him.

Can you see the necklace?

I am more and more convinced that she is looking out for him.  As we play out the scenario that led to his platelet transfusion, I realize how perilous his situation would have been if he had not had trouble breathing in the OR.  He would not have been whisked to the NICU.  He would not have had his blood tested.   We would not have known that his platelets were so dangerously low.  I have to now believe that all of it happened for a reason.

I think he officially has his very own Guardian Angel.

And that balled up sob....tears of gratefulness flowed while I held my most precious boy in the wee hours of the night.  The ball is much smaller today.

But I am still waiting........

What Love Really Means

A special lady, Mattie, that I have "met" through the internet after the loss of Jamie has an awesome blog called Beauty Will Rise.  I wish my blog was as AWESOME as hers! She is an amazing person!  I will never forget when we exchanged gifts for Christmas 2009 with some moms that had lost their November babies.  She sent me some very special gifts, all which were perfect.  I wish I had thought to take pictures!

  My heart was very raw at the time, and her gifts helped put a healing ointment on that wound.  I will never forget her baby girl...Shyla Joy.  Without the loss of our precious girls, both due in the month of November that year, we would never have crossed paths.

I was so thrilled when I heard the news that she was carrying her rainbow baby.  I was terrified when she told us the news that little Jakin's heart was not working as well as it should be.  I literally sobbed when I heard the news that his little heart had stopped.  I even posted here that day about her loss and how it impacted my outlook on Baby Button.  I had thought that I could distance myself from pain again.  The loss of Jakin proved to me that it was impossible.  I could love again, and have my heart broken again......

To my point!!! Mattie contacted a few of us momma's to blog about What Love Really Means for the month of February.  If you follow her blog, you will see me on a certain day...*wink, wink*...hmmm....maybe, say Feb 6th?

I am so excited!  I hope I live up to all of these other amazing bloggers out there!!!!

Butterfly Kisses

Jamie's Quilt. 

 When she was born, we were enthralled with the perfection of her feet.   We could not keep our hands off of them.   We used her quilt for some of her NILMDTS photos.  She looked just precious on that quilt.  A few months later, I told hubby that I was going to embroider her name and her footprints on her quilt.  I was nervous, but he thought it was a good idea. 

 I chose brown to go with the quilt, but now wish I had gone with either a bolder larger font or a different color.  The background is so busy. 

But honestly...it doesn't matter....I love it.

So this leads to my charity:

 

I have finally perfected the digitizing and embroidery process.

Any baby loss momma that has a blanket or quilt that they would like to have their baby's name and footprints or handprints on....please contact me.

Yes....the footprints are the EXACT size of her actual footprints that were done at the hospital.  All I need is a scanned copy of your baby's or babies' footprints/handprints and the measurement (length and width) so that I can digitize them for my embroidery machine.

 
This is all free of charge.  I have already received a bit of funding to get this off the ground!

If you are currently carrying a baby with a very poor or fatal diagnosis and would like your baby's name on their blanket for their birth day, I can also help you out.  I have done a few already....and one of them actually defied his odds!  He is quite the healthy infant.  Boy, were those doctors wrong!

 If you are interested please fill out this FORM HERE or contact me on my FB page!

A Very Special Gift

Daddy did it again!  He always amazes me with his thoughtfulness.  We don't generally exchange a bunch of gifts.  We usually agree to spend something on the house.  Once in a while there is a small gift under the tree.  I usually put together a picture gift of some sort (framed photo or photo album). 

This year, the boys really wanted to get Dad a gift with me that he had his eye on (the Dremel Trio).  I didn't really expect anything under the tree because we are busy "updating" different things in the house to get ready for Button's arrival.

Instead, there were two tiny boxes for me!  A necklace charm and bracelet from James Avery!

Aren't they beautiful?

  Butterflies to remember my Jamie and they even have my favorite flowers......daisies!!!!

My Angel's Ornaments

 I am sure I don't need to explain why Christmas was difficult last year.

I actually wanted to scrub the whole holidays, but I couldn't because of the other three gorgeous darlings we have.  They don't deserve to have the rest of their lifes drenched in darkness.

The boys have been so supportive since the moment we told them that Jamie was "sick" even before she was born.  They had as much hope as we did.

I can honestly say that I was there when all three of my boys first had their hearts broken.  It was the day they had to say goodbye to their little sister.

Last year, we found this cute angel ornament.  It isn't fabulous, but it seemed the best way for us to be able to have her precious feet forever on our tree.  We were so in love with the perfection of her tiny feet!

This year, we wanted to get another ornament.

How precious is the saying "A sister loves you at all times"!!

This Christmas we hung her ornaments on a silk tree in our "angel" room. 

Really, it is just a formal living room that we have dubbed the "Library".  It is where we have our formal living room furniture, bookcases, and a secretary desk. 

We renamed it so that it became a more approachable room for us to use.  There is someone in it everyday.

Why our "angel" room?  I have the ashes of our puppies that have left  us and I have a few sweet angel statues in there.

So I hope to have her tree in there next year!

We are in transition of purchasing new trees and have decided to wait until next year to get a special tree just for all of her ornaments.

I have some old pearl and pink colored ball ornaments I plan to use.  And of course, I found some more beautiful pearl and green ornaments.

I can't wait to do a whole tree just for her!!

Christmas Letter 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

I will start off saying that this year’s letter might be a bit different for us, so please hang in there through the end! 

 We announced to the boys In March that the arrival of a baby brother or sister was due November 13th.   They could not contain their excitement!  To be big brothers…what a boon!  They debated about whether it would be a boy or girl.  They argued where he or she would sleep.  They guessed at different names at the dinner table.  They debated whether it should be a “J” name.  They battled with us constantly to find out what sex we were having, even though I stubbornly refused to find out.  The dust settled when the school year ended, and the family was excited to enjoy the preparation of the nursery over the summer.   Oh the bliss!

On June 24^th, our lives were forever changed.  We received the worst news a parent could ever imagine to hear.  At our routine ultrasound, they discovered there might be something seriously wrong with the baby.  After an amniocentesis, a fetal MRI, numerous high level ultrasounds, countless appointments with doctors and specialists, the verdict was given.  Our baby had a lethal skeletal dysplasia, or in layman’s terms, a fatal dwarfism.

 Despite recommendations, we decided to hold onto hope that he or she would have a “normal” dwarfism and give the baby the best possible chance and carry to term.  As the weeks went by, it became increasingly clear that our hello would also be our goodbye.  We instead changed our course to prepare for the worst and hope that we would at least not lose the baby before the delivery.  We gathered our courage and strength, and hoped that we could celebrate this child’s life, as short as it would probably be.

We planned all that we could to make sure we had a professional photographer, a special outfit, and a plan of care for comfort.  We also decided to wait for the surprise of boy or girl, since it would be one of the only things we could be excited about.  The baby went to most of big brother Butter's tennis matches.  There was wiggling and squirming while listening to Bean's guitar.  We endured the ferocious Houston heat while watching little, big brother Bunny's play in summer baseball tournaments.  Never was there a more active baby to remind us of its presence.  And every night, we settled to sleep after a nightly hug and kiss from Bunny and sometimes a lullaby from mommy. Despite the baby’s failing health and mine, we were able to make it a couple days shy of 36 weeks.  It was decided that a cesarean section would be the best way to deliver, due to both baby and my health complications.

On October 14^th at 7:39am, Jamie Lynn entered this world with the tiniest cry. Like her brothers, she was nice and hefty at 5lbs, 4oz despite being four weeks early.  She was a mere 14.5 inches long from her perfect head to her perfect little toes.  With her too small limbs, and chest too tiny to survive this world long, Daddy quickly baptized her with the healing waters from Lourdes, France gifted to us by Father Drew.  After a short snuggle with me, he swept her away to be introduced to her big brothers.  A short time later, which felt like an eternity, we were all reunited as a family.  We were able to dress her in clothes washed and smelling like home.  We exclaimed over her shocking full head of the whitest blonde hair.  The boys declared her “cute”.  We adored her tiny hands and her, oh so perfect, feet.  Aaron was enthralled with his sweet baby girl. 

We were together as a family, as she drifted away, her perfect little footprints etched on our hearts forever at 8:54am.

Her immediate family arrived to celebrate her life at a memorial Funeral Mass on November 14^th.  With Father D__ presiding, Mary T__ singing solo, and family gathered round, we said our final goodbyes and wished her well on her journey.  As Father D___ said during his homily, if we had opened the funeral to all family and friends, it would be a packed house indeed.  He couldn’t have been further from the truth.

And this brings me to the conclusion of our letter.   It has always been clear to us in the past, but more so now, that we are loved by the outpouring of prayers, thoughts, and letters from so many near and afar.  We are heartily thankful to all those who made donations to the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization that provided us with the most beautiful photos of her.  To those who are just getting this news, we apologize.  This has been the most difficult burden to bear, and even more painful to share.  I apologize for not delivering a more traditional G_ Family Christmas Letter.   However, to not tell Jamie Lynn’s story, would be to dishonor her life and her memory.

For our family, the year of 2009 belongs to Jamie.  And always will….

Mommy, Daddy, Butter, Bean, and Button

"An Angel in the Book of Life Wrote Down our Baby's Birth,

And Whispered as She Closed the Book,

Too Beautiful for Earth."

Jamie Lynn

Announcing the birth of our daughter….

  We were blessed to spend a little over an hour together as a family. She is now a beautiful angel in heaven watching over our family.  We thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts, and prayers through this difficult time these past few months.   In lieu of flowers or gifts, we would appreciate donations to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Organization that sent a volunteer professional photographer to take photos of Jamie at no cost to our family, for lasting memories.  Donations can be made at nowilaymedowntosleep.org in her name.