Jamie's 7th Birthday {Quilt Block}

"In this life we are going to be disappointed. We will hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look." ~Angie Smith

Friday marked a special day. Our daughter, Jamie Lynn's, seventh birthday. This is the day when I have to awkwardly tell people that she was born very much alive and breathing, but swiftly left us an hour and fifteen minutes later. Her birthday isn't so much a celebration, but a Memorial Day. 

Two years ago, I was struggling with the idea that the older boys were no longer interested in cupcakes and balloon releases, and Button was becoming more and more confused by the concept of a sister he never met. 

Her birthday quilt was born. I needed to have a special time "with" her. 

A time where all my energy was dedicated to honoring her and not letting the distractions of our everyday life take her away from me. 

 This year's block is about books.

 I was a voracious reader as a child and I think I would have been so excited to be part of her journey into "girly" books like the Dancing Shoes and Little House on the Prairie series. I happened upon this adorable stack of books and had to purchase the book, The Paper Pieced Home by Penny Layman from Sew Take a Hike. I don't regret it one bit!

Source: Sew Take A Hike

Friday was a quiet day, in general, but I found much beauty in the peaceful time.  I took my time pressing, stitching, and tearing my foundation tissue with Button playing, ever so quietly, in the studio. 

I'm not terribly in love with my embroidery work, but the block in general pleases me very much!

I still need to work on her year one through four birthday blocks. I was able to finalize my decisions on two of them and hope to find time to work on them. 

Year 5: Cupcake Year         6: Mary Jane Shoes            Year 7: Stack of Books

My only requirement is that I work on them on days I can concentrate my full attention on just her.  

Birthday Blues

I've tried really hard to get away from posting grief posts ad nauseam on this blog.

But on days like today?  It's hard to avoid.

 

Jamie Lynn would be five today. I picture a tiny blonde girl, the image of her brothers, with flashing eyes of mischief and a devil may care attitude like her mother. She would be itching to be going to kindergarten this year, but we would be explaining that the rules state she would have to wait one more year.  I imagine there also would be fear as parents. We would be walking that fine line of helping her too much with her dwarfism and also trying to give her independence.

But, alas, she is not here. 

How do you celebrate a birth and death on the same day?  We are still working that out as a family. It was easy the first few years. Balloon and butterfly releases. Cupcakes.

The boys were younger and it seemed to fit. Now it seems odd. Its hard to explain.  It is also a struggle because Button doesn't understand. "Who is this sister I never met, but see pictures. This Jam-ey everyone says is family.  Why were my big brothers mad when I took her picture off the sofa table because she isn't my family?"  Who can really blame him?

My goal this year was to re-channel our "celebration". If the boys asked to do something?  I will certainly do so.  If not.....no pressure.  However, I still need something for me.  A few months ago, I decided that I loved this cupcake block I made for a bee quilt so much that I wanted to make one for myself. A new project dawned on that day in my mind.  A Jamie quilt. It's been established that quilting had been a major part of my therapy the last five years. It just makes sense that I should do so on her birthday.   My plan is to make one special block on October 14th for a while. This year will be the cupcake block. 

Throughout the rest of year, I will make the four other birthday blocks. I will not be stressed about it. I will not make myself miserable. I'm not sure when I will stop and call the quilt done. 

I will simply let it just be and have some quiet time with my girl in my studio.

~Heidi

Three

She would have been three today.....

I have been avoiding this for MONTHS now.

Her third birthday/anniversary...whatever you want to call it.

I am even pretending that it isn't as I type this post.

 But I know it has been three years.

 The proof is when I see the boys now

and compare them to then

 My, have they grown...both in age and in numbers.

 It is also hard to deny the fact that this little guy wouldn't be here...without her.

As for her birthday in particular?

I have no plans.  No one in the house wants to give me ideas.  Butterfly Releases are only for special birthdays like her First Birthday.  I was told that a balloon release is not cool anymore.   I would have Button release one, but I am not sure I want to deal with the "OH NOOOO, momma!!" from that little boy when it went floating up to the heavens.

So I am hoping she sends a butterfly to me....

Just to let me know everything is alright.

________________________________

The reason I decided to even write this post is that I realized ten minutes ago that all the excess energy I have had the last three days is due to the fact that I am avoiding it all.  I have been unconsciously distracting myself.  And I have also been stacking up my plate to keep busy.

I am praying.   

I am praying that I cry at least once.  I didn't cry at all last year on her birthday.   I am also praying I don't cry ALL day either.  

What a conundrum!

But I also must remember.  

She is the reason I am quilting again with a fervor I have never had before. 

She is the reason I try to put all the pieces together.

She is the reason I started this blog over two years ago, to share her story. 

 To share me. 

She is my ambassador for Butterfly Kisses.

She has taken a person who has always wanted to give, but never could figure out how.

She has changed me.  

For the good.

Happy Birthday...and thank you so much....

.....my darling baby girl....

It's Official!

Butterfly Kisses has moved.

I have finally made the leap.   Things might be a bit jumpy around here!  I have left my grief posts and Jamie here and am debating whether I delete her tabs up at the top.

  Right now I cannot.

I did move ALL of the grief posts, recovering from grief, and any posts related to Butterfly Kisses over.

I cannot imagine I will be silent about her on this blog, but I will definitely feel more free to express my ebbs and flows on Butterfly Kisses.

If you'd like to follow me there, here, or both.......

Thank you.

I mean it from the bottom of my heart.  Knowing that someone out there is listening to me and my ramblings is comforting beyond measure.

If you can believe it, it was a family decision.  

The boys, of course, think it is absolutely COOL that mom will now have two websites.  

Hubby and I agree that I will feel more comfortable sharing all of my craft, sewing, and quilting here at Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies and all of the completed blankets, updates, and other babyloss momma links on Butterfly Kisses.

Thank you for going along this journey for me.

  Butterfly Kisses is steadily becoming it's own entity and DESERVES it's own home.

Always,

My Mess of a Blog!

This is a shout out to my blog following friends!

I realize more and more that my blog doesn't have a true "fit".  If you read my heading, it says that this blog incorporates my love...for TOO many things!

I know that I have loss followers who are wondering, what the heck are all the craft posts?

I know that I have craft/sewing follower who are wondering, what the heck is with all the grief/loss posts?

The answer is this.

I would love to compartmentalize all of my posts.  I would love to have separate blogs.  

But the reality of it is this.  I love to sew.  I love to craft.  I love my kids.  And I have lost a child.  All of these things make me who I am am.   And if you are having trouble understanding this maybe this post would best describe what I am trying to say.

Therefore, in a way, this post is to let you all know that I understand that my blog is a mess.  Honestly, my life is messy.  I cannot compartmentalize all my parts.  They are all with me at all times.  I sit at my sewing machine and see this. 

  

In short, I have thought of changing my blog, but I can't bear to.  I would then have to separate these things in my life.    In plain speak, I DON'T WANT TO.

So thank you for following me.  Please be patient with me.  I honestly don't know how else to do it.

If you have suggestions, I will gladly listen.  I need all the help I can get!

Daddy's Little Girl

" Here she is

All peaches and cream

Our sweet little girl,

Our long awaited dream."

-Author Unknown

My dear hubby has been much on my mind lately.  I left him last weekend to go on a scrapbook retreat.   I honestly didn't hesitate because he has always taken care of the boys without any difficulty. 

I also know that he is quite capable of taking care of a baby.  He had to take care of our two older boys when they were babies when I used to work evening and night shifts as a young nurse in the Army. 

What is on my mind is that I still haven't asked him is what he thinks of having another baby.  Let alone what he thinks about having another boy.  What I haven't asked him is how he is feeling?  I haven't even asked him about how his grief is with this arrival of such a bundle of joy.  Least of all, I haven't asked him if having another boy makes him miss his little girl all the more.  I can honestly say that it has.  I wish she was here.

 

But here is what I DO know.

I know that he lovingly tends to Jamie's tree. 

 I know that he is able to say her name without choking up.

  I know that he shares my blog with others. 

 I know that he is supportive of my blog, my online support group, and my craziness (like mailing my doppler to Canada yesterday to a CTT momma carrying a rainbow baby).

  I know that I sent him this link to an article that was brought to my attention on my online support group.  It is the story about three NCAA basketball coaches that all have a common bond.  The loss of their babies.  We are HUGE fans of college basketball (just ask my mom...I think she knows all the Big East teams after her visit)Dearest hubby immediately responded to my email.  He said that he had seen it featured on CBS sports during the tournament.  His quote "it was an unbelievable piece.  I forgot to tell you about it."

I wonder if he forgot to tell me because we don't discuss this issue outright, or if he really just forgot.

Why don't I ask?

I don't know.

 

Angel of God

Angel of God, My Guardian Dear

to whom God's love commits me here.

Ever this day be at my side

to light, and guard and rule and guide.

Amen.

So I am going to lay it all out tonight.  Hope you are ready for it!!!

Last night, I was ANGRY.

I know that I am angry more and more every day because Jamie isn't here and James is.  It isn't that I don't love him....I SOOOO do.  But dammit, why couldn't I just have both of them.

I know I am angry because Dr. G said that my uterus was VERY thin.  Emphasis on VERY.  I wasn't "done" having babies.  Looks like the choice might be taken out of my hands.

I am angry because I wanted things to be perfect when James was born.  I wanted to just spend time with James ALL alone. I wanted to "room in" with him. He was one week and five days old when I finally had him all to myself.  It should have been the first night he was born.  Instead, I didn't even get to hold him until he was already one day old.  And even then, it was for the shortest bit of time.

 I was VERY angry at anyone and all on his third day in the NICU.  I was terrified that I was going to leave the hospital without a baby in my arms. I wanted the boys to see him while I was in the hospital, not the first day I came home. 

I am angry because I wanted to cry during those quiet times at night at the hospital.  I still haven't.  The sob is just balled up in my throat.  Waiting.....


BUT.......

God decided to nudge me.  Last night, after big brothers were tucked in and Daddy went to bed, I was alone.  Alone with James.  As he fell asleep in my arms, I realized that he was giggling in his sleep.   He was smiling.  I know, I know...babies don't smile, but he WAS!  He also has this amazing ability to play with his fingers.  We noticed it the very first night we saw him.   His hands extend out as if they are "petting" someone.  He touches us with the tips of his fingers instead of having the normal clenched newborn fists.  He loves to pull his blanket over his head.  He will fuss until his hands and arms are released from the confines of the swaddling blanket.   It looks like he is waving his arms and playing games with someone in his dreams.

Then it hit me.   Is he playing with his sister?  Is she watching over him?

When I went into the OR, I didn't have any jewelry on except for the heart shaped charm my dear friends gave me.  It has an angel cradling a baby in her arms.  It has Jamie Lynn's name engraved on the back.  It was blessed by Fr. Drew.  The nurse made me take it off, so I handed it to Aaron.  After they prepped me in the OR and he came in to sit with me, I felt something in my hand.  My darling husband placed that necklace in my hand.  And we prayed.  After the surger, I wore it the whole time I was in the hospital. And one of our favorite photos is this one: 

This photo was taken the very first time I got to hold him.  It was a very gratifying feeling to hold him right on my chest.  He became less fussy, opened his eyes, and his breathing slowed down to a normal rate.  My anxiety flittered away.  It felt so good to hold him.

Can you see the necklace?

I am more and more convinced that she is looking out for him.  As we play out the scenario that led to his platelet transfusion, I realize how perilous his situation would have been if he had not had trouble breathing in the OR.  He would not have been whisked to the NICU.  He would not have had his blood tested.   We would not have known that his platelets were so dangerously low.  I have to now believe that all of it happened for a reason.

I think he officially has his very own Guardian Angel.

And that balled up sob....tears of gratefulness flowed while I held my most precious boy in the wee hours of the night.  The ball is much smaller today.

But I am still waiting........

A New Beginning

"Every end is a new beginning"

-Proverb

Today was a tough day. 

 I woke up sad knowing that I was walking into the school clinic that I work at  for the last time.  This also happens to be where my boys go to school.

I REALLY loved my job.  But after much prayer and plain common sense, I realized my family needed me home again.

I won't deny that I will LOVE to be home all day with this Button. 

 However, it is with mixed emotions that I packed up my things this afternoon.

Of course, I can't stay away from that place.   I will be helping out with screenings.  Doing some substituting if needed. It is a second home to me.  I just felt so welcomed and loved by all. I knew that on any given day, I could walk in cranky and walk out smiling.  Feeling like I made a difference in some child's life.

I also think it makes the arrival of Button all the more REAL.  I have had this date in place since New Year's as my "last day" before maternity leave.  Then a few weeks ago, it became my "LAST day" at work.  The date was set because we knew my repeat c-section was the next week and I wanted to work as close as possible to that date.  I would go in to work on Monday and Tuesday if hubby would let me!

  I already know that I am going to start crawling up walls in anticipation in a mere few hours.  Not the "normal" kind, but the kind that is filled with anxiety, worry, sadness, anger, and whatever else emotion decides to bubble to the top!  This "rainbow" baby stuff is a lot harder than I EVER imagined!

So I am going to focus on my "end" being a "beginning".  I will force myself to forsee a future with a child that will actually come home with us.  I will help hubby put the carseat together this weekend.  And even one step furthur...put it in the car.  I will take tags off some of the baby blankets and clothes and actually wash them.

Because Button is my new beginning.





Love Lives Here

 "In our life there is a single color,

as on an artist's palette,
 which provides the meaning of life and art.

It is the color of love."

-Marc Chagall

If you recall, my friend, Mattie, invited a few of us to blog about love this month.   Her blog, Beauty Will Rise, is where you can learn about her triumphs and trials through the loss of her precious darlings, Shyla Joy and Jakin. 

Today is my turn to write a bit about love for the project called What Love Really Means.  Follow the button on the sidebar to read more from some amazing bloggers.  I am thoroughly enjoying them myself the past few days and completely honored that she asked me to join in!!

LOVE LIVES HERE

If you haven't noticed, when I set up this blog, my description was and still is "A place to incorporate my love...My love for my children.  My love for my family.  My love for crafts.  My love for life!!!" 

 So, I find it very fitting to finally write about my love!

 

"Love is coming face to face with the knowledge

 that you've found the best friend you'll ever have in this world"

-Lucy Murray

18 years ago, I was a mere 17 years old when I met my husband.  He helped me move into my college dorm.  14 years ago, we married shortly after I graduated from nursing school.  I am flabbergasted how many times we have moved, the amount of changes in our lives that have occurred, and the blessings we have been given along the way.  We both have had the opportunity to grow in our careers, our hobbies, and our spirituality.  I have had the honor of staying home for many years.  I have been working part-time as the clinic nurse at my boys' school...a dream come true.  

 We have three AMAZING boys that we can't imagine life without. 

"Now I know what love is"

  -Virgil

Even with our normal lives, stressful times, we had no idea how one small little bundle would rock our world a little over a year ago.  We found out that our daughter, at 18wk gestation, had a fatal condition.  We were encouraged/instructed that early termination was the best idea. 

 Our own hearts guided us differently.  We decided to carry her as long as we could. 

Jamie Lynn arrived and our life has never been the same.

"You will find as you look back upon your life

that the moments when you have truly lived

are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

-Henry Drummond

I often say that the day she was born, you could feel the bubble of love in that room.  A bubble of peace and tranquility.  My mom comments that God was in that bubble with us. I don't think she is far off.  The world around us continued, but we stopped.  We stopped to be with her.  Our boys were there to see their sister alive and then silently drift away from us.  My husband and I turned and clung to each other in our grief.

   I witnessed the day that my boys' hearts were first broken. I pray that they never have them shattered and splintered like that ever again.

  I know that in that room, we realized how precious each of us are to each other. 

  I would never want that taken away from any of us.

"Love is love's reward" 

 -John Dryden

And I know that through our love for her, our lovely Butterfly.....we could only see the arrival of our new bundle "Baby Button" in a mere week and a half as such a precious gift from above.  

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get

-only with what you are expecting to give-

which is everything."

-Katharine Hepburn

After she was gone, I could only continue to put my love in my sewing and crafting. Love into being with my family.  Love into taking care of my boys.
 Really, love into everything that I do. 

 I try to honor the fact that God gave me the gift of my husband. He gave me the gift of my boys.  He gave me a gift of another baby.  He gave me the gift to create. AND He gave me the gift of Jamie.

 Instead of wallowing in grief, I can use her life as inspiration for my life.  Inspiration for my personal charity for other baby loss mommas. 
I can share my journey with other moms that are facing grief, loss, and pain.

I can "do" what she never can.

Because I love her that much...

What Love Really Means

A special lady, Mattie, that I have "met" through the internet after the loss of Jamie has an awesome blog called Beauty Will Rise.  I wish my blog was as AWESOME as hers! She is an amazing person!  I will never forget when we exchanged gifts for Christmas 2009 with some moms that had lost their November babies.  She sent me some very special gifts, all which were perfect.  I wish I had thought to take pictures!

  My heart was very raw at the time, and her gifts helped put a healing ointment on that wound.  I will never forget her baby girl...Shyla Joy.  Without the loss of our precious girls, both due in the month of November that year, we would never have crossed paths.

I was so thrilled when I heard the news that she was carrying her rainbow baby.  I was terrified when she told us the news that little Jakin's heart was not working as well as it should be.  I literally sobbed when I heard the news that his little heart had stopped.  I even posted here that day about her loss and how it impacted my outlook on Baby Button.  I had thought that I could distance myself from pain again.  The loss of Jakin proved to me that it was impossible.  I could love again, and have my heart broken again......

To my point!!! Mattie contacted a few of us momma's to blog about What Love Really Means for the month of February.  If you follow her blog, you will see me on a certain day...*wink, wink*...hmmm....maybe, say Feb 6th?

I am so excited!  I hope I live up to all of these other amazing bloggers out there!!!!

Butterfly Kisses

Jamie's Quilt. 

 When she was born, we were enthralled with the perfection of her feet.   We could not keep our hands off of them.   We used her quilt for some of her NILMDTS photos.  She looked just precious on that quilt.  A few months later, I told hubby that I was going to embroider her name and her footprints on her quilt.  I was nervous, but he thought it was a good idea. 

 I chose brown to go with the quilt, but now wish I had gone with either a bolder larger font or a different color.  The background is so busy. 

But honestly...it doesn't matter....I love it.

So this leads to my charity:

 

I have finally perfected the digitizing and embroidery process.

Any baby loss momma that has a blanket or quilt that they would like to have their baby's name and footprints or handprints on....please contact me.

Yes....the footprints are the EXACT size of her actual footprints that were done at the hospital.  All I need is a scanned copy of your baby's or babies' footprints/handprints and the measurement (length and width) so that I can digitize them for my embroidery machine.

 
This is all free of charge.  I have already received a bit of funding to get this off the ground!

If you are currently carrying a baby with a very poor or fatal diagnosis and would like your baby's name on their blanket for their birth day, I can also help you out.  I have done a few already....and one of them actually defied his odds!  He is quite the healthy infant.  Boy, were those doctors wrong!

 If you are interested please fill out this FORM HERE or contact me on my FB page!

Going Neutral

Going neutral is the hardest thing!  I went shopping this afternoon for Button.  The plan was to buy some neutral clothing for his/her first few days.  Then we plan to go shopping for things after the baby comes home. 

Why is this a problem?

BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NEUTRAL ANYMORE! 

You either can buy girl stuff or boy stuff.  Does no one get surprised anymore!?!?!?

Why the quilt above?  I just wanted to resurrect the quilt I had made Jamie before she was born to show what I consider neutral.  Actually, I bought this material the day after her ultrasound when we weren't sure what was going on. All we knew was that "all was well,except....." her bones were not measuring correctly. 

We were encouraged to do an amniocentesis because they felt that it was "bad".  In order to make decisions, we needed more information.  We found out all of this on a Wednesday.  They scheduled my amniocentesis for Friday morning (I knew things weren't right since they wanted it done so quickly).  That Thursday, I did what any sewer/crafter does when they are anxious.  Go shopping for STUFF!

The boys helped me pick out this quilt kit amongst all the girl/boy things.  It was as neutral as we could get.   Looking back now, it doesn't look very neutral!

So today, I walked out of Target with two packs of white onesies, white socks, and one set of brown and white onesies/pants.  I also had one set of receiving blankets and an outfit in pink. One set of receiving blankets and outfit in blue.  The big brothers' insisted.  That is all I could find!  I hope I can return whatever doesn't work! 

As for the plain white things....time to break out the embroidery machine. Don't you think?

And Jamie's quilt?  This is the before.  I will post what I did with her quilt later this week!

I am such a tease, aren't I?



If You Believe



One of the MANY pictures I get sent from other babyloss mommas.....for her Name Gallery!



If You Believe

Mary Thompson

(dedicated to Lori and Frank Walsh, and baby Joseph)

He will guide you on your way-if you believe.

Roll the clouds of doubt away-if you believe.

God will hold you in His arms, give you hope when hope is gone.

(He will give you all you need-if you believe.)

He will calm you deepest fears-if you believe.

And dry up all your tears-if you believe.

God will take your broken heart,

In His hands the healing starts,

Then His peace you will receive-if you believe.

For God will never leave your side.

That’s a promise He provides.

He will see you through everything you do-

with His love.

You will feel Him call your name- if you believe.

And you’ll never be the same-if you believe.

God will fill your very soul with the grace

to make you whole.

And His love will set you free-if you believe.

A song written by a beautiful woman.

  For the past 4 years, we have gotten up Christmas morning and gone to Mass as soon as the gifts are open.  We try to make the Mass that we think we "know" that Mary and her family sing.  Just four of them and a guitar.  Every year, I cry.

But last year, I cried even harder.  I don't know how much Mary knows how much it meant to us for her to sing at Jamie Lynn's funeral.  It was comforting to know that she had been there for her own family member that went through a similar experience.  It is a burden and a blessing to carry a child knowing that your first Hello will also be your Goodbye. 

I was driving home today from work and this song (written above) came into my head.

 

I confess, I was tired.  I was tired of everyone asking if I was just ready to have this baby.

I answered, truthfully...honestly...I am great!  I am not uncomfortable at all.

  What I didn't say?  Button can stay in there as long as he/she needs. 

I just want Button to be okay...no matter what it takes.

I need to remember that I need to "believe"

....because that is all that counts in the end.

Hello 2011!! Hopes...not goals!

The New Year brings resolutions....but I have never liked that.

The New Year brings goals....I have always liked them, but don't like the feeling when I don't meet them.

So I am going to call these, my hopes!

• Internet hopes:  I hope that I get my website whipped into shape quickly....preferably before the arrival of Baby Button.  I hope that I can use the Internet to connect with more crafter/sewers so I can improve my blog and website. 

• Grief hopes:  I hope that all the mommas that are lost and confused when faced with a poor or fatal prognosis, find the great group of women I have "met" on my online support group.  I hope they find this blog and see that their lives can "go on"...but with a new meaning. 

• Sewing:  I am hoping that I haven't bitten off more than I can chew!!!  I hope that I can make customers happy, balance my own family's sewing needs, and still find a bit of time to do some charity work!  I hope that my repertoire really does expand to more than housewares and quilting.  Kid/baby clothing...here I come! 

• Baby Button:  I hope he/she arrives safe and sound.  It is all that matters.  After that...I hope that I can rein in my worries and be "normal" mom instead of crazy anxiety ridden mom!  And I hope Button keeps inspiring me to make unique things for others!

• Embroidery:  I hope I keep learning more about embroidery and my own machine.  Maybe a more commercial machine in the future....but that might have to be a hope for 2012 or 2013!!

• Quilting:  I hope I finish the pieced quilt top I already have.   I hope I make more!!  I hope to have a quilt for my own home for each season to use/and or display in our family room.  I hope that I get a Quilting longarm machine.  My machine just does not accommodate large quilts as well as I like.  I hope we find room for it!  I also hope that I can try my hand at a t-shirt quilt.  Then I can do so for others.  I also hope that I finish a certain family's memory quilt.  Their dear father's shirts and items are safely tucked in a bin in my closet.  No...I don't hope, I WILL get this done by the end of the year!

• Crafting:  I hope I remember to take photos all year of the different things I have done this year so I can share them with my blogging/online craft friends!  I hope I get all of the Christmas ideas that I never got to are all done before it arrives again next year!

• Scrapbooking:  I hope I finish my 2010 Family Album.  That would make 2 whole years complete (out of the 14 we have been married *insert grimace face*).  I hope I can also complete 2009 and stay on track for 2012!  Other albums I'd like to finish?  Christmas album, CTT mama pages, Josh's School Album, Disney Trips Album, update the other two school albums....and attack at least one of the two little guys' baby books.

• Family: Last on this list...but certainly not least.  I hope that I can meet every (or at least most) needs they have.  I hope that I always remember to put them first, even if I do have a long list of Hopes.  But, I think I already know that because I am calling them hopes...not goals. 

So here's to hoping!!!!!!

Fireworks, Family, Fun, and Fizz....Goodbye 2010!

Totally stole the Fireworks, Family, and Fizz from my hubby's Facebook status today!  

 

We went to the movies, did a little shopping, and plan to have fireworks tonight.

  And I promise, sparkling apple juice for me....which I actually love!!

Sooo....today will be this year in Review.  Tomorrow...goals!

• Internet I have come a long way since last year.  I now moderate four support/grief/loss groups for my Carrying Despite Fatal or Very Poor Prognosis mommas.  (I have met an amazing group of women that have endured one of the worst things that could happen...I must give them a lot of credit for being my biggest cheerleaders!) I returned to Facebook after a long sabbatical.  I started this blog in October.  I opened a Facebook page for my business.  And TODAY...hubby and I bought a URL for my very own website to manage my new business.  We shortened it to http://www.buttonsandbutterflies.com/.

So my new business name is officially Buttons and Butterflies!!  Wow...how far I have come from HATING the computer.

• Grief At the beginning of the year, I was crushed that the year of 2009 was over.  It meant I had to leave Jamie Lynn behind.  As the year has progressed, I have learned that that I didn't have to leave her behind in order to move forward.  I had to take her with me.  Thanks to all of my family and friends who have hung in there with me.  Thanks to my internet friends who completely understand the rollercoaster of emotions!

• Sewing At the beginning of the year, my sewing machines were collecting dust.  I did projects I "had" to do.  I occasionally would do a project for fun.  Then I joined a online sewing group.  Those Crafty Sewing Mamas really got the juice going again and now I even go a day without doing a little something in my studio.  They have been a huge inspiration for wanting to open a store.  They also are the reason I learned to use the internet/computer to my advantage instead of detriment.

• Baby Button Our journey of trying again.  Our RAINBOW baby.  I can't deny that the journey hasn't been tumultuous.  The fears, anxiety, and uncertainty have been real challenging.  Even when we receive "good" news, it is hard to trust.  It is hard to connect and feel like Button is real.  Hard to believe that we might be blessed to bring this baby home.  Today...we bought him/her a stroller and car seat.  It felt pretty real this afternoon!  But....we are still leaving it all in boxes.

• Embroidery  I have really learned alot about my machine, new techniques, and have made a little cash doing it.  I hope I can continue to do it!

• Quilting  Despite my inability to get motivated to sew, I did finish one quilt top this year.  I have stacks of fabric begging to be pieced.

• Crafting I did a little here and there.   Not enough to set off fireworks!

• Scrapbooking  I can honestly say that I have done ALOT this year.  I attended 2 weekend scrapbook retreats, finished Jamie Lynn's album, completed my Army (my ROTC and Active duty days) Album, updated my Family & Friends album, have 6 months done for 2009, and 9 months completed for 2010.  I updated both of the younger two boys' school albums, and have my 2011 calendar pages ready to go.  I think this is the most I have ever done in a year!  It has been truly cathartic.  Not to mention that the loss of Jamie made me realize how important it was to document our lives.  They are too short and who is going to tell those who follow our footsteps what we are like!

So I hope and pray that 2011 brings more exciting things to you and yours!

  Goals are tomorrow!!!