What Love Really Means

A special lady, Mattie, that I have "met" through the internet after the loss of Jamie has an awesome blog called Beauty Will Rise.  I wish my blog was as AWESOME as hers! She is an amazing person!  I will never forget when we exchanged gifts for Christmas 2009 with some moms that had lost their November babies.  She sent me some very special gifts, all which were perfect.  I wish I had thought to take pictures!

  My heart was very raw at the time, and her gifts helped put a healing ointment on that wound.  I will never forget her baby girl...Shyla Joy.  Without the loss of our precious girls, both due in the month of November that year, we would never have crossed paths.

I was so thrilled when I heard the news that she was carrying her rainbow baby.  I was terrified when she told us the news that little Jakin's heart was not working as well as it should be.  I literally sobbed when I heard the news that his little heart had stopped.  I even posted here that day about her loss and how it impacted my outlook on Baby Button.  I had thought that I could distance myself from pain again.  The loss of Jakin proved to me that it was impossible.  I could love again, and have my heart broken again......

To my point!!! Mattie contacted a few of us momma's to blog about What Love Really Means for the month of February.  If you follow her blog, you will see me on a certain day...*wink, wink*...hmmm....maybe, say Feb 6th?

I am so excited!  I hope I live up to all of these other amazing bloggers out there!!!!

Butterfly Kisses

Jamie's Quilt. 

 When she was born, we were enthralled with the perfection of her feet.   We could not keep our hands off of them.   We used her quilt for some of her NILMDTS photos.  She looked just precious on that quilt.  A few months later, I told hubby that I was going to embroider her name and her footprints on her quilt.  I was nervous, but he thought it was a good idea. 

 I chose brown to go with the quilt, but now wish I had gone with either a bolder larger font or a different color.  The background is so busy. 

But honestly...it doesn't matter....I love it.

So this leads to my charity:

 

I have finally perfected the digitizing and embroidery process.

Any baby loss momma that has a blanket or quilt that they would like to have their baby's name and footprints or handprints on....please contact me.

Yes....the footprints are the EXACT size of her actual footprints that were done at the hospital.  All I need is a scanned copy of your baby's or babies' footprints/handprints and the measurement (length and width) so that I can digitize them for my embroidery machine.

 
This is all free of charge.  I have already received a bit of funding to get this off the ground!

If you are currently carrying a baby with a very poor or fatal diagnosis and would like your baby's name on their blanket for their birth day, I can also help you out.  I have done a few already....and one of them actually defied his odds!  He is quite the healthy infant.  Boy, were those doctors wrong!

 If you are interested please fill out this FORM HERE or contact me on my FB page!

If You Believe



One of the MANY pictures I get sent from other babyloss mommas.....for her Name Gallery!



If You Believe

Mary Thompson

(dedicated to Lori and Frank Walsh, and baby Joseph)

He will guide you on your way-if you believe.

Roll the clouds of doubt away-if you believe.

God will hold you in His arms, give you hope when hope is gone.

(He will give you all you need-if you believe.)

He will calm you deepest fears-if you believe.

And dry up all your tears-if you believe.

God will take your broken heart,

In His hands the healing starts,

Then His peace you will receive-if you believe.

For God will never leave your side.

That’s a promise He provides.

He will see you through everything you do-

with His love.

You will feel Him call your name- if you believe.

And you’ll never be the same-if you believe.

God will fill your very soul with the grace

to make you whole.

And His love will set you free-if you believe.

A song written by a beautiful woman.

  For the past 4 years, we have gotten up Christmas morning and gone to Mass as soon as the gifts are open.  We try to make the Mass that we think we "know" that Mary and her family sing.  Just four of them and a guitar.  Every year, I cry.

But last year, I cried even harder.  I don't know how much Mary knows how much it meant to us for her to sing at Jamie Lynn's funeral.  It was comforting to know that she had been there for her own family member that went through a similar experience.  It is a burden and a blessing to carry a child knowing that your first Hello will also be your Goodbye. 

I was driving home today from work and this song (written above) came into my head.

 

I confess, I was tired.  I was tired of everyone asking if I was just ready to have this baby.

I answered, truthfully...honestly...I am great!  I am not uncomfortable at all.

  What I didn't say?  Button can stay in there as long as he/she needs. 

I just want Button to be okay...no matter what it takes.

I need to remember that I need to "believe"

....because that is all that counts in the end.

Merry Christmas

I am posting this a day late, but I have to show everyone!

  I finished Jamie's Christmas Stocking on Christmas EVE!!! 

 I debated making her a stocking, because it will hang empty every year....but I have put a lot of love in each family member's stocking that I thought why not?  When I asked the rest of the family last year, they didn't even blink...of course you are making her a stocking, they said!

All of the boys' stockings had Santa on it, and for some reason, when I chose my design, I had a snowman.  I had chosen it because it had a "quilted" look to it, so when I realized the boys had santas, and I was a girl and had a snowman....I had to find a snowman design for Jamie!

I have to tell you, I was adding the beads on Christmas Eve afternoon and JJ came down and saw that it was almost complete.  He exclaimed, "Mommy!  You have her stocking finished just in time for Santa to see it!!" How sweet is that!

I actually finished sewing the fleece to the back today so it actually did not get hung in time for Santa's arrival.

 But that is okay, he already saw it!

 I can now start thinking about Button's stocking.   I bought a stocking holder for Button this year since I bought a new one for Jamie.  

 Except, now I have to wait for him/her to arrive before I chose a Santa or a Snowman design. 

Any bets?

A Very Special Gift

Daddy did it again!  He always amazes me with his thoughtfulness.  We don't generally exchange a bunch of gifts.  We usually agree to spend something on the house.  Once in a while there is a small gift under the tree.  I usually put together a picture gift of some sort (framed photo or photo album). 

This year, the boys really wanted to get Dad a gift with me that he had his eye on (the Dremel Trio).  I didn't really expect anything under the tree because we are busy "updating" different things in the house to get ready for Button's arrival.

Instead, there were two tiny boxes for me!  A necklace charm and bracelet from James Avery!

Aren't they beautiful?

  Butterflies to remember my Jamie and they even have my favorite flowers......daisies!!!!

Quilt Hope In

I just became a follower of this blog:

Quilt Hope In

  It is an organization that totally fits my bill. 

-Quilting

-Charity

Need I say more?

I am really hoping I can find a way to either contribute items or my skills for such a great cause. 

 Shortly after losing Jamie, I knew that I needed to DO.  I have started a intenet support group that I monitor and I have embroidered blankets/quilts for babyloss mommas. 

But I want to do so much more. 

Every time I make something for someone, I try to take inspiration from their lives and remember that God has given me the gift to create things.  My little girl can't.

I am hoping I can help Quilt Hope In bring inspiration to those whose lives are less fortunate than mine.

BTW.....If I blog about this, I might win a Accuquilt GO! from one of the blogs I have been following.  I can't remember how I found her, but I love her stuff!  TraceyJay Quilts I never win anything.....but really would love to win this!!!

My Angel's Ornaments

 I am sure I don't need to explain why Christmas was difficult last year.

I actually wanted to scrub the whole holidays, but I couldn't because of the other three gorgeous darlings we have.  They don't deserve to have the rest of their lifes drenched in darkness.

The boys have been so supportive since the moment we told them that Jamie was "sick" even before she was born.  They had as much hope as we did.

I can honestly say that I was there when all three of my boys first had their hearts broken.  It was the day they had to say goodbye to their little sister.

Last year, we found this cute angel ornament.  It isn't fabulous, but it seemed the best way for us to be able to have her precious feet forever on our tree.  We were so in love with the perfection of her tiny feet!

This year, we wanted to get another ornament.

How precious is the saying "A sister loves you at all times"!!

This Christmas we hung her ornaments on a silk tree in our "angel" room. 

Really, it is just a formal living room that we have dubbed the "Library".  It is where we have our formal living room furniture, bookcases, and a secretary desk. 

We renamed it so that it became a more approachable room for us to use.  There is someone in it everyday.

Why our "angel" room?  I have the ashes of our puppies that have left  us and I have a few sweet angel statues in there.

So I hope to have her tree in there next year!

We are in transition of purchasing new trees and have decided to wait until next year to get a special tree just for all of her ornaments.

I have some old pearl and pink colored ball ornaments I plan to use.  And of course, I found some more beautiful pearl and green ornaments.

I can't wait to do a whole tree just for her!!

My Special Surprise Today!



One of the dozen butterflies we released on Jamie's Birthday



Today, we received a letter from our oldest son.  He said it was a project he did in Religion class (have I mentioned how blessed we are to send our children to Catholic school!) 

The yellow ribbon that was tied around the piece of paper should have been a sign of how special it would be.  I opened it and at first glance noticed that it was written on a pink paper with pink roses and butterflies all over it!  Be still my heart, my moody thirteen year old pays attention!!!! 

The letter read:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Your blessings that you have bestowed upon me, have been generous and faithful.

I just want to say, that I love you and always will forever and ever.

I picked a psalm that was for a butterfly and was meant to be.

Blessed be God, who did not refuse me the kindness I sought in prayer.

Psalm 66:20.

Love J,

I Love You

Jamie, our darling butterfly, you are not always just on mommy and daddy's mind, but your sweet older brothers' also! 

And if you are wondering about the butterfly release in the picture,  

We can't say enough about The Butterfly Release Company. 

We were able to have a special inscription on the "envelopes".  We followed their exact delivery instructions and all of our butterflies arrived intact and made Jamie's 1st Birthday an unbelievable memory!!!

Christmas Letter 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

I will start off saying that this year’s letter might be a bit different for us, so please hang in there through the end! 

 We announced to the boys In March that the arrival of a baby brother or sister was due November 13th.   They could not contain their excitement!  To be big brothers…what a boon!  They debated about whether it would be a boy or girl.  They argued where he or she would sleep.  They guessed at different names at the dinner table.  They debated whether it should be a “J” name.  They battled with us constantly to find out what sex we were having, even though I stubbornly refused to find out.  The dust settled when the school year ended, and the family was excited to enjoy the preparation of the nursery over the summer.   Oh the bliss!

On June 24^th, our lives were forever changed.  We received the worst news a parent could ever imagine to hear.  At our routine ultrasound, they discovered there might be something seriously wrong with the baby.  After an amniocentesis, a fetal MRI, numerous high level ultrasounds, countless appointments with doctors and specialists, the verdict was given.  Our baby had a lethal skeletal dysplasia, or in layman’s terms, a fatal dwarfism.

 Despite recommendations, we decided to hold onto hope that he or she would have a “normal” dwarfism and give the baby the best possible chance and carry to term.  As the weeks went by, it became increasingly clear that our hello would also be our goodbye.  We instead changed our course to prepare for the worst and hope that we would at least not lose the baby before the delivery.  We gathered our courage and strength, and hoped that we could celebrate this child’s life, as short as it would probably be.

We planned all that we could to make sure we had a professional photographer, a special outfit, and a plan of care for comfort.  We also decided to wait for the surprise of boy or girl, since it would be one of the only things we could be excited about.  The baby went to most of big brother Butter's tennis matches.  There was wiggling and squirming while listening to Bean's guitar.  We endured the ferocious Houston heat while watching little, big brother Bunny's play in summer baseball tournaments.  Never was there a more active baby to remind us of its presence.  And every night, we settled to sleep after a nightly hug and kiss from Bunny and sometimes a lullaby from mommy. Despite the baby’s failing health and mine, we were able to make it a couple days shy of 36 weeks.  It was decided that a cesarean section would be the best way to deliver, due to both baby and my health complications.

On October 14^th at 7:39am, Jamie Lynn entered this world with the tiniest cry. Like her brothers, she was nice and hefty at 5lbs, 4oz despite being four weeks early.  She was a mere 14.5 inches long from her perfect head to her perfect little toes.  With her too small limbs, and chest too tiny to survive this world long, Daddy quickly baptized her with the healing waters from Lourdes, France gifted to us by Father Drew.  After a short snuggle with me, he swept her away to be introduced to her big brothers.  A short time later, which felt like an eternity, we were all reunited as a family.  We were able to dress her in clothes washed and smelling like home.  We exclaimed over her shocking full head of the whitest blonde hair.  The boys declared her “cute”.  We adored her tiny hands and her, oh so perfect, feet.  Aaron was enthralled with his sweet baby girl. 

We were together as a family, as she drifted away, her perfect little footprints etched on our hearts forever at 8:54am.

Her immediate family arrived to celebrate her life at a memorial Funeral Mass on November 14^th.  With Father D__ presiding, Mary T__ singing solo, and family gathered round, we said our final goodbyes and wished her well on her journey.  As Father D___ said during his homily, if we had opened the funeral to all family and friends, it would be a packed house indeed.  He couldn’t have been further from the truth.

And this brings me to the conclusion of our letter.   It has always been clear to us in the past, but more so now, that we are loved by the outpouring of prayers, thoughts, and letters from so many near and afar.  We are heartily thankful to all those who made donations to the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization that provided us with the most beautiful photos of her.  To those who are just getting this news, we apologize.  This has been the most difficult burden to bear, and even more painful to share.  I apologize for not delivering a more traditional G_ Family Christmas Letter.   However, to not tell Jamie Lynn’s story, would be to dishonor her life and her memory.

For our family, the year of 2009 belongs to Jamie.  And always will….

Mommy, Daddy, Butter, Bean, and Button

"An Angel in the Book of Life Wrote Down our Baby's Birth,

And Whispered as She Closed the Book,

Too Beautiful for Earth."

Jamie Lynn

Announcing the birth of our daughter….

  We were blessed to spend a little over an hour together as a family. She is now a beautiful angel in heaven watching over our family.  We thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts, and prayers through this difficult time these past few months.   In lieu of flowers or gifts, we would appreciate donations to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Organization that sent a volunteer professional photographer to take photos of Jamie at no cost to our family, for lasting memories.  Donations can be made at nowilaymedowntosleep.org in her name.