Jamie's Birthday Quilt {Block 8}

“Say not in grief that she has gone, but give thanks that she was yours.”

Saturday was a special day.  
It was the day our daughter was born eight years ago.  The day where we seem to make everyone else more uncomfortable than we are ourselves about our incredible loss.  
But we can't let the day go by without acknowledging an important family member.  The family member that requires us to choose life. Choose adventure.  Choose joy.

This year would be her 8th birthday.   As I have in the past, I think about what life would be like during that year.  What activities she might be involved in?  What toys would she like?  What big events in her life would be happening?

I thought about how this would be the year I would have had the joy of preparing her for her First Communion.  All of the spiritual growth.  All of the retreats and classes together.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I would be so excited to buy a dress this year instead of pulling out the boys’ suit that they have all worn.  

 I hunted for some patterns of a little girl in a dress.  A little girl kneeling.  I considered the symbols of the Eucharist.  None of them seemed right for her quilt.  

I then had a flash of memory.  The year she was born, our third son was celebrating his First Commmunion.  The second grade teachers asked me if I could make the floral crown for the May Crowning ceremony. 

 I used pink roses and rosemary for remembrance.  He also asked me if he could carry one of the pink roses.

The significance of the roses has a deeper meaning.  On the morning of our daughters memorial funeral, I had given my husband a task.  I asked him to buy some flowers for the church.  My favorite flowers are daisies, but I was insistent that he go buy flowers for her. Whatever he wanted to buy his little girl.  He returned with this beautiful delicate pink and white rose bouquet.

 I knew, without a doubt, that I had to do a rose quilt block this year.  
 I found this really pretty paper pieced rose on Craftsy.

Click on photo for link

I think the solids are gorgeous, but I’m still trying to use these out of print fabrics from the Posey line by Aneela Hoeey.

Her birthday is sometimes ordinary or extraordinary.  This year it was extraordinary.  In the category of choosing adventure and joy, we decided to send the older boys on a last minute, once in a lifetime trip to Houston to cheer our Astros in the ALCS with my husband.  We also bought a ticket for our oldest son to fly from college and meet them.

Button and I opted to stay home.  He hasn’t been feeling so hot this past week and we thought it best he stay home to recuperate.  I found some quiet reflective time to work on Jamie’s Birthday quilt.  We rounded off the day by making and eating cupcakes, choosing joy.

I am grateful that I came up with the idea of her birthday quilt.

  I love where it takes me.  I love the path of inspiration I take.  I love that I will have a quilt that is “hers” someday.

Every Day Is Mother's Day

This is the phrase Mr. Boss uses. 

Every.

Single.

Year.

This covers him if it goes well or goes poorly on this day!

Because every year, just like this one, there is:

Laundry to do.

Dishes to do.

Homework to do.  Especially if you had a sick boy home this past week.

Projects piling up in the studio with deadlines. 

 

It is a tough holiday.

Who do you celebrate?  Your mother?  You?  

  I expounded last year HERE.

 15 years later...Mr. Boss has it figured out....sorta.

 This day is tough for a lot of women.  Some are missing their own mothers, taken too soon.  Many are missing children, taken too soon.  Many are desperate to be mothers and this day hurts...like a dagger to the heart.

And some, like my dear sister, may have her babies surrounding her today, but she is missing the most important part of her family, her husband, as he defends our country from afar.  

 Mother's day, for her, I imagine, is pretty lonesome too...

 

For me, it is the simple fact that as a mother, I am missing one of my own children.

Bittersweet.
But that's okay! She is everywhere today.  

She even gave me her flowers (my signature flowers are daisies....the roses are "hers").

Yup.  Mr. Boss has THAT figured out!!!!

But trust me...I can't complain too much.  I have some Shari's Berries in the fridge again!!! And I did sleep in today.  The boys are being passably helpful.  Mr. Boss is working on staining the playground (since it has been sorely neglected for the past few years) and filling the sandbox.

 And I figure if I start working on my Retro Flower quilt today, Mr. Boss won't complain. 

 Because it IS Mother's Day, right?

Two Years Ago...

Jamie Lynn was born.

I am a little fuzzy brained today.

I had hoped to do something awe inspiring, and maybe that will still happen.

All that has happened is a trip to All School Mass.  It was lovely, as always.  And they needed help with the Eucharist, so I was glad I was around to be a Minister.  

I actually had not had an opportunity to participate yet since I was first trained, so I prayed to Jamie that I wouldn't mess up.  And, of course, I was in charge of the wine today....Oy Vey!  The scariest thing handing over the "Blood of Christ" to wee ones. 

But I am thankful that I did! It is so heartwarming to be able to look into the eyes of such wee ones that have such uncompromising faith.  It reminded me that I needed to have faith that she was in wonderful place....

<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>

Now,  Button and I are home.  I am thinking cupcakes are in order again for her birthday.  Otherwise, I think I am going to put some energy into two Butterfly Kisses blankets I have in the works.

Her first birthday was so wonderful. 

I decided to share it since I didn't last year. 
I am kicking myself because I sure wish I knew what I know now about taking really good photos.  They aren't too bad, but I sure would have liked to take some better shots!!
I post dated it like a few others I have in the past

It's Official!

Butterfly Kisses has moved.

I have finally made the leap.   Things might be a bit jumpy around here!  I have left my grief posts and Jamie here and am debating whether I delete her tabs up at the top.

  Right now I cannot.

I did move ALL of the grief posts, recovering from grief, and any posts related to Butterfly Kisses over.

I cannot imagine I will be silent about her on this blog, but I will definitely feel more free to express my ebbs and flows on Butterfly Kisses.

If you'd like to follow me there, here, or both.......

Thank you.

I mean it from the bottom of my heart.  Knowing that someone out there is listening to me and my ramblings is comforting beyond measure.

If you can believe it, it was a family decision.  

The boys, of course, think it is absolutely COOL that mom will now have two websites.  

Hubby and I agree that I will feel more comfortable sharing all of my craft, sewing, and quilting here at Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies and all of the completed blankets, updates, and other babyloss momma links on Butterfly Kisses.

Thank you for going along this journey for me.

  Butterfly Kisses is steadily becoming it's own entity and DESERVES it's own home.

Always,

Mr. Maverick

Another Butterfly Kiss....

This one is pretty special!

It isn't a blanket, but a special keepsake made by Newborns in Need, Inc.   It is a pretty neat organization, as far as I can tell!

This momma uses it to store
his photo, his original footprints, and a lock of hair.  

She sent it to me with just his picture. 

Basically, it is a cloth book with a ziploc bag sewn into the "binding".

I'm sorry not to show you his picture.  I wasn't sure if I could share!  But I am so glad she shared him with me!

The already embroidered fabric is so precious.

And I have to be honest, I loved the feel of the little ribbon that is the tie closure. 

It reminded me of how little these sweet gifts really are.

I also loved his chubby little prints.

~Heidi

Day of Hope

 

It is my second year to participate in the Day of Hope.

Spreading the word.........

HERE

Miss you and love you Jamie Lynn

Dday: Year Two

Today is the second anniversary of what I call D-day.

   Diagnosis Day.  

Jamie's 28 week ultrasound.

Funny, I didn't realize why I was in a funk this week until I looked at the date on the calendar.  I knew it was approaching earlier this month and I could feel the build-up, but with our trip, I became distracted.

In a good way, or a bad way? 

I am not sure.

It is a weird day because I can't, and frankly, won't celebrate it. 

I guess it is kind of like Pearl Harbor or 9/11.  It isn't like her birthday where I can remember how wonderful she was. 

It is just a day to pause.

 I made a lot of progress last night on Bug's quilt (the puffy quilt).  Borders are on and binding is cut and ironed/folded.  The batting is cut to size.I just need to go buy some backing material.  The fabric I had planned was a tad to floral for me.

It's raining again, so  I am hoping I finish it today so I can mail it off!  

Since I will be out and about,  I will run out to the store to buy Button some spoons and bowls so we can try some cereal this weekend.   

Maybe that will get me out of my funk?

Probably not.

I'm not sure what happened today, but I realized that my online support group needed a little love.

I have managed the public CTT despite Fatal Diagnosis for a year and a half.  It was created right after the Christmas that Jamie was born.  It was a way for me to gather all the women I encountered online.  We were spread out on poor prognosis groups, grief groups, loss groups, and sometimes mixed together with miscarriage groups.

I knew there was a need for us to get together to share our stories and support each other through a very difficult time.

What started as a few women, maybe 15, has now grown to a whopping 256.  These are just the women that "joined" but doesn't count the many that might have stopped by or lurk in the internet shadows to read, but not join in.  I don't blame the lurkers.  It IS strange to connect with women not only across the country, but across the world.

256 members in 18 months.

About 9 months ago, I decided to start a private group called 

Life after Carrying.......

It was a place for those of us to connect and share the more intimate things.  A place for us to talk about our REAL lives after losing.  A place to talk about the need for a baby in our arms again. A place to talk about the crazy emotions when you are pregnant again. A place for us to cry on each other shoulders when another anniversary or birthday passes by.

But today, I realized that we did "move on".  We have been hiding the worst from not only our members on the public board.

But for me, I realized that I am hiding the worst from everyone.  

To protect me or them?

I am not sure.

And as always....God tapped me on the shoulder today.

  He does that sometimes.  

A mom on my support group suggested we have a Where We Are At thread on our public board. A post that would be honest about our lives now.  She mentioned that a mom blogger was starting something in blog land.

Ironically, I linked to Holly's blog today.  Remember Carleigh's Blanket?

Holly did a blog post about Where I am. 

It is part of a shout out by Angie at Still Life with Circles.  She asked her blog mommies to post about where they are at.  

I don't follow Angie's blog, but I think I am going to take up the challenge!  

I hope I don't bore you tomorrow or maybe today!  I feel very "chatty" today.

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 8 months

This is the post I mentioned earlier!
  It is part of still life with circles Right where I am Project.

I am 1 year, 8 months from my loss. 

Next week will be our 2 year anniversary of her initial ultrasound, which I call D-Day.

I am going to be honest.  I had to count on my fingers the months.  Not because I don't care, but at a certain point I had to LET IT GO, for my own sanity.

I'd like to give my time line, if no one minds because I think this is very important!

The first three months after losing Jamie, I was in a DAZE.  It was like I was living in someone else's nightmare.  It sometimes was very "out of body".  I pushed off Jamie's memorial funeral to a month after her birth/death.

The two and three month marks were also during the Thanskgiving Day and Christmas holidays. 

They were awful. 

I already have three quite "grown" boys that I had to pretend that I was oh so thrilled.  I lost my cool in a Toys R Us.  I hated seeing pictures of babies.  I thought that commercials were a cruel joke.

Then I got hired to work at the boys' school as a nurse and I jumped in head first....I wanted to keep busy and get out of my house.

Then we made the momentous decision to try to have another child.  It was horribly difficult.  We had no difficulties in the past for the other four.  This time, it was a nightmare.  Countless negative sticks.  Countless announcements on Facebook of healthy baby deliveries.  Countless announcements of pregnancies.

  I felt like a failure.

At the 5 month mark, I hit ROCK BOTTOM.  Even my own husband went to my annual OB/GYN visit just so he could discuss my anxiety/depression issues.  Enter Lexapro.  My friend for a few months.  I didn't realize I had postpartum depression.  There is something to be said for re-balancing your Serotonin levels.  I thought I was a wreck because of my grief, when in fact I had BOTH.

At my 8-9 months post lost, we found out that we were pregnant.

Just one week before Jamie's D-Day. 

Enter a whole host of garbage grief.  Why is THIS baby healthy?  Why couldn't Jamie be healthy. I think the rollercoaster of emotions was the most taxing thing I have ever experienced.  Never was there more worry, anxiety, and sadness.  I sometimes would feel the baby kick and think it was Jamie.  I would eat and drink something and it was like a time warp to her pregnancy. 

It was so hard to separate the two pregnancies.

At the holidays, there was a bit more happiness.  We had had several good ultrasounds and appointments.  It was like we had a little window opened that said it was okay to be happy again.

  But, I won't lie, the shadows are dark and deep.  They have no problem sneaking up on me.

When our bundle arrived, a new set of disasters entered.  

What should have been our "perfect" delivery ended up as a nightmare.  Our baby was sweeped up to NICU and immediately on oxygen and next thing we knew we were signing consents for our baby to receive a platelet transfusion.  Congenital Luekemia was discussed.  Bone marrow issues.  It was like I had entered the nightmare again and was going to go home empty armed AGAIN!

Luckily, it ended up being something very "fixable" and he ended up coming home with us.  However, we endured another 3 weeks of not knowing what exactly was wrong.  When I found out that my body had not only attacked his platelets, but had attacked all of our children, it was another low blow.  Another reminder that I probably shouldn't have children.

I won't lie.  This set my grief back a billion, kajillion miles back again.  The old feelings were just at the surface.  It was as if my skin was raw and all anyone had to do was touch it and I was in excrutiating pain.

Everyone around me was breathing a sigh of relief because then they didn't have to worry about Jamie.  I had a new baby, right?  Our happy ending happened, right?  We walk into the sunset looking in each other's eyes with our children in the middle, right?

WRONG! 

Because we may be walking in the sunset and holding hands, but we both keep glancing behind us to see if she is still there.  We are actually clinging to each other.

  It doesn't take much for me to watch a movie and cry.  I always cried before, but now...I am crying for her when there are sad parts in movies.

So, yes, my life continues.  There is some happiness. 

I even was able to work on a quilt today. Granted it is special because it is for another mom who had a baby after her horrible loss.

But the fact of the matter is that I will never get my darling girl back.

  How badly I want her here with me RIGHT NOW.

How badly I want her back........

...............................................................................

EDITED TO ADD:  

It is interesting to see what a person writes in the darkest depths of the night. 

To share that feelings change from moment to moment, 

 I wanted to add that this morning I felt better.

I woke up and wandered into my studio. I had rainbow baby Button on my hip.

On my countertop was the quilt I am making for a rainbow baby that was born recently.  It brings me JOY to share my talents with someone who "gets it".

On my countertop was a new box. 

A new blanket for me to embroider precious little feet on.

  My Butterfly Kisses ministry really does give me JOY. 

I love doing them for babyloss mommas. 

 If Jamie hadn't been here, I would never have thought to do something like this for others.

And as always a good vent on this blog allows me to have a less restless night, which CAN bring a beautiful new day.

Miss Carleigh's Blanket

Another Butterfly Kiss is about to head back home to her momma!

I DID NOT DO THIS EMBROIDERY!  IT WAS ALREADY DONE!

I can't tell you how much it means to me that these moms trust me enough to send their precious blankets to me and allow me to do something that is very therapeutic for me.

My family is becoming very used to taking boxes and envelopes from our mailbox or porch and just setting them on my studio counter.  No questions asked.

I definitely know that they understand how important it is for not only ME, but more important for the ones we are giving just another piece of their baby back.  We understand the need to have physical reminders that say "THEY WERE HERE".

As I am editing these amazingly perfect feet print

and/or hand prints,

I sometimes hear comments such as "Oh, so cute!" 

and "Look at those!  So tiny!". 

When I fret over making a print more solid or make it less blotchy like their actual print, I just have to ask my dear hubby his opinion. 

We usually end up both agreeing that even though the prints don't look solid, they are EXACTLY the way they are on the paper that their prints touched.

So if you noticed missing patches on Carleigh's prints, they are not a mistake, they are the open areas that were created when her actual prints were made.

  They are what make Carleigh different than every other baby that has arrived on this Earth. 

I wouldn't dare change what God created himself, right?

About the baby that those precious little prints belong to?  

Miss Carleigh.

  Her mom blogs often about her. 

  Just click on the button to read about her and her momma. 

 

You will love getting to know the two of them!

Happy Girl

 "I used to live in a darkened room

Had a face of stone
And a heart of gloom
Lost my hope, I was so far gone
Cryin all my tears
With the curtains drawn
I didn't know until my soul broke free
I've got these angels watching over me, yeah

Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl

I used to hide in a party crowd
Bottled up inside
Feeling so left out
Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes
With my frozen smile
And my lighted fuse
Now everytime i start to feel like that
I roll my heart out like a welcome mat

Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl

Laugh when i feel like it
Cry when i feel like it
That's just how my life is
That's how it goes

Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
And i've come to know
That the world won't change
Just 'cause I complain
Let the axis twirl
I'm a happy girl

Oh watch me go
I'm a happy girl
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing that you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl

Oh,yeah oh,yeah
I'm a happy girl"

-Happy Girl by Martina McBride

I've always loved this song.  But today, I was so happy.  A few things went my way:

 

•   My sewing machine was fixable and I was able to pick it up today. 
• My family portrait that I took in to be framed was completed and ready for pickup.
•   I messed up an embroidery order on swimsuits.  I was able to find the exact same ones at Target today.  So I can give the horribly messed up original ones, but I have replacements *insert a picture of me wiping off the worried sweat*.....Also Note to Self:  I will say NO to any swimsuit orders, forever.
• My iPad2 arrived at my doorstep today.  I love it more than I can tell you!  I can't wait to really get to know it.  It is going to make my carpool wait time seem too short!
•  I realized today that I needed to make some reasonable, logical goals for my weight loss.  I used milestones such as my anniversary, Jamie's birthday, and James birthday.  It seems very doable to me now!

 

The "before" Heidi.  Before we even knew we were pregnant with Jamie

 

 

But really?  Why am I happy?  I am happy because I when I looked up the lyrics to the song today, I expected it to be all about the happy girl I used to be.  

 

 

 

 
However, the song is so much MORE about me than it ever was.  It always amazes me how that works!  I hope it inspires me to do something REALLY Happy in my studio this week!

Miss A's blanket...

is on its way to her momma since yesterday afternoon.

Hope she likes it.......


Edited to Add:  Since her momma gave permission!  This is for Miss Amelia Grace.  She left her Mommy, Daddy, and Big Brother Noah way too soon.


For more information on how to have your baby/babies footprints embroidered on a blanket...check out Butterfly Kisses

Daddy's Little Girl

" Here she is

All peaches and cream

Our sweet little girl,

Our long awaited dream."

-Author Unknown

My dear hubby has been much on my mind lately.  I left him last weekend to go on a scrapbook retreat.   I honestly didn't hesitate because he has always taken care of the boys without any difficulty. 

I also know that he is quite capable of taking care of a baby.  He had to take care of our two older boys when they were babies when I used to work evening and night shifts as a young nurse in the Army. 

What is on my mind is that I still haven't asked him is what he thinks of having another baby.  Let alone what he thinks about having another boy.  What I haven't asked him is how he is feeling?  I haven't even asked him about how his grief is with this arrival of such a bundle of joy.  Least of all, I haven't asked him if having another boy makes him miss his little girl all the more.  I can honestly say that it has.  I wish she was here.

 

But here is what I DO know.

I know that he lovingly tends to Jamie's tree. 

 I know that he is able to say her name without choking up.

  I know that he shares my blog with others. 

 I know that he is supportive of my blog, my online support group, and my craziness (like mailing my doppler to Canada yesterday to a CTT momma carrying a rainbow baby).

  I know that I sent him this link to an article that was brought to my attention on my online support group.  It is the story about three NCAA basketball coaches that all have a common bond.  The loss of their babies.  We are HUGE fans of college basketball (just ask my mom...I think she knows all the Big East teams after her visit)Dearest hubby immediately responded to my email.  He said that he had seen it featured on CBS sports during the tournament.  His quote "it was an unbelievable piece.  I forgot to tell you about it."

I wonder if he forgot to tell me because we don't discuss this issue outright, or if he really just forgot.

Why don't I ask?

I don't know.

 

Worn out shoes

"Between saying and doing,

many a pair of shoes is worn out."

-Proverb, Italian

Exactly one year ago, we went to the Carnival at the Livestock and Rodeo Show.  It is usually is quite a fun time, but last year, I left quite sad. See last year's post here.

This year,  I left laughing.  I did have a sad moment, but it very short because I just had to peek in my stroller and smile, thanks to sweet baby James.

Now to the shoe story.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and was excited because I was going to wear my brand new Old Navy shirt that I had bought on clearance for $6.49.  But, what was more exciting was that I finally had a blue shirt that matched a pair of shoes that I have had for a long time.  They have always been one of my favorite, but were very difficult to match up with outfits.  So I showed off my excitement to hubby and we were off to the Carnival!

We had to park far away and walk to the entrance.  We were laughing and having fun.  Then the "boys" peeled off to use the stairs to go buy tickets, James and I peeled the opposite direction to take the ramp.

When we reached the boys, I realized...I had a BIG problem. For some reason, my shoes felt like they were dragging onto my pants.  I looked down to roll up my jeans.  I found that the soles of my shoes were falling apart.   Picture styrofoam packing falling apart.

 Hubby started laughing hysterically, I am sure my face was bright red.

But in the spirit of the day, I decided to go ahead with the day, in the hopes we might see a booth selling flip-flops or boots in the vicinity.   Unfortunately, we never made it to that part of the carnival because the boys pooped out on us.  I definitely made my mark on the walkway. As the asphalt heated up, my shoes left trails behind me.  The once 4 inch heels, became what you see in the picture.  I literally felt the metal support under the one clang behind me. 

As we were heading back, the top of the left sandal started peeling off like this:

Within minutes, the top leather completely pulled away. 

I held the shoe in my hand in shock. NOW WHAT?!?!

Hubby had me throw them in the nearest trash.  I pulled my jeans as far under my foot as I could.  To protect and to hide the fact that I am NOT WEARING A SHOE!

  

I then tried to keep it hidden under the stroller to hide my foot.

When we finally got to the car....I could not stop laughing.

We had formula, water, bottles, diapers, and spare outfits for James. 

But who knew we should have had a spare pair of shoes for me!!!

Thank you God for giving me a moment to laugh. When I do, it reminds me not to mourn too much!!



Angel of God

Angel of God, My Guardian Dear

to whom God's love commits me here.

Ever this day be at my side

to light, and guard and rule and guide.

Amen.

So I am going to lay it all out tonight.  Hope you are ready for it!!!

Last night, I was ANGRY.

I know that I am angry more and more every day because Jamie isn't here and James is.  It isn't that I don't love him....I SOOOO do.  But dammit, why couldn't I just have both of them.

I know I am angry because Dr. G said that my uterus was VERY thin.  Emphasis on VERY.  I wasn't "done" having babies.  Looks like the choice might be taken out of my hands.

I am angry because I wanted things to be perfect when James was born.  I wanted to just spend time with James ALL alone. I wanted to "room in" with him. He was one week and five days old when I finally had him all to myself.  It should have been the first night he was born.  Instead, I didn't even get to hold him until he was already one day old.  And even then, it was for the shortest bit of time.

 I was VERY angry at anyone and all on his third day in the NICU.  I was terrified that I was going to leave the hospital without a baby in my arms. I wanted the boys to see him while I was in the hospital, not the first day I came home. 

I am angry because I wanted to cry during those quiet times at night at the hospital.  I still haven't.  The sob is just balled up in my throat.  Waiting.....


BUT.......

God decided to nudge me.  Last night, after big brothers were tucked in and Daddy went to bed, I was alone.  Alone with James.  As he fell asleep in my arms, I realized that he was giggling in his sleep.   He was smiling.  I know, I know...babies don't smile, but he WAS!  He also has this amazing ability to play with his fingers.  We noticed it the very first night we saw him.   His hands extend out as if they are "petting" someone.  He touches us with the tips of his fingers instead of having the normal clenched newborn fists.  He loves to pull his blanket over his head.  He will fuss until his hands and arms are released from the confines of the swaddling blanket.   It looks like he is waving his arms and playing games with someone in his dreams.

Then it hit me.   Is he playing with his sister?  Is she watching over him?

When I went into the OR, I didn't have any jewelry on except for the heart shaped charm my dear friends gave me.  It has an angel cradling a baby in her arms.  It has Jamie Lynn's name engraved on the back.  It was blessed by Fr. Drew.  The nurse made me take it off, so I handed it to Aaron.  After they prepped me in the OR and he came in to sit with me, I felt something in my hand.  My darling husband placed that necklace in my hand.  And we prayed.  After the surger, I wore it the whole time I was in the hospital. And one of our favorite photos is this one: 

This photo was taken the very first time I got to hold him.  It was a very gratifying feeling to hold him right on my chest.  He became less fussy, opened his eyes, and his breathing slowed down to a normal rate.  My anxiety flittered away.  It felt so good to hold him.

Can you see the necklace?

I am more and more convinced that she is looking out for him.  As we play out the scenario that led to his platelet transfusion, I realize how perilous his situation would have been if he had not had trouble breathing in the OR.  He would not have been whisked to the NICU.  He would not have had his blood tested.   We would not have known that his platelets were so dangerously low.  I have to now believe that all of it happened for a reason.

I think he officially has his very own Guardian Angel.

And that balled up sob....tears of gratefulness flowed while I held my most precious boy in the wee hours of the night.  The ball is much smaller today.

But I am still waiting........